Sadece God of War oynadım. Kendimi ot gibi hissediyorum.

Today was my first day without music. I didn’t even take the iPod out of my bag. I haven’t yet endured anything harder than trying not to give into the desire in me to spend hours listening to songs, playing an instrument or to record something. I’ve been thinking for the last few days if what I had chosen is the right thing to define myself and I have a feeling that the answer is negative. I can’t, out of a sudden, restrain myself from the will to work with music but I can cut it out of my life. It’s always been all or nothing with me. Otherwise, I end up giving into the voice telling me to do everything opposite of my plans. I don’t know what I will be spending my time and energy on from now on but I do know it will not be music anymore. I’m already feeling good enough to consider selling my keyboard, guitar, processor and amp. Despite my young age, I have a tired soul so don’t have the strength to grow hopes on possibilities. I just have to seek the joy and comfort that I found in music, in something else. This is a chapter ending. The next one starts with me, finally, growing up.

Hayatta bir şeyler olmak istiyorum. Sanırım en çok mutlu günlerimin diğerlerinden fazla olmasını istiyorum…. çünkü babam, seneler önce, hayatta başarılı olmanın bu olduğunu söylemişti. Her şey olabilirim fakat olduğum insanla ailem gurur duymuyorsa o zaman hiçbir şeyim. Ve hiç kimse olabilirim ama ailemin güvenini ve inancını kazanmışsam o zaman dünyanın en muhteşem insanı benim. Bunca sene, verdikleri hayatın yanı sıra, sundukları olanaklar ve anlayış karşısında, bu isteğimin çok normal olduğunu düşünüyorum. Bir gün onlardan farklı gelişen hayat görüşüm ve kişiliğim ile verdiğim kararları onaylamaz ve endişeleri sevgilerinin önüne geçer diye de çok korkuyorum. Evet, bu kadar da zayıf ve basit bir insanım. Bütün babaların, babalar günü kutlu olsun.

It actually takes a lot of time, strength and heart to be someone good. Having good intensions is easy; that usually comes default. Not too many people have the instinct to break in to someone’s home to steal whatever worths money and shoot household on his way out. Although, those exceptions are just enough to consider stop giving a damn about what other people are going through.

Everyone has their own problems and despite those problems might seem not much of a big deal to someone else, they seem as giant walls to the ones who have to get over them. Hence, it’s the easy way out to say “so what do I care? I have my own shit going on, find your own way out.” but that’s so very selfish and not helpful at all, isn’ it? Don’t you think that person who is in need of help today might just be the one and only person who’d offer you a helping hand later when you’re feeling troubled?

A smile matters, saying “thank you” and “I love you” matters, offering help matters, showing support matters, telling people that they are beautiful only with their every flaw and better side matters. These little things that are not one bit hard to do, can change or even save lives. To enjoy life, you have to first understand how precious every breath you’re taking in is and to be happy, you have to first feel the joy of making someone else smile. Unfortunately, there aren’t many people who are aware of it. It’s a tiring world we are living in; mostly because of the stupidity of the average. To be honest, what I have been experiencing in the last few days made me feel very disappointed, annoyed and angry. I expect more from people I know and want around. Moreover, I expect a hell lot more from people who have somehow convinced me in time that they are more aware of ignored details of life than the most.

My disappointment made something clear for me: I have the patience, I have the strength, I have the heart and I know what kind of person I want to be. I will help people as much as I can if they ask for mine, I will hold them if they stumble, I will show them whichever way I believe is right if they tell me they are lost and I will never feel tired of telling them that they are beautiful ,worth it and have so many potentials they are ignoring. I just wanted to tell that I don’t understand others’ selfishness and bitterness and I’m not ever going to be anything like them, for “I was made for more than this”.

(*) Revolution – Trading Yesterday

After watching Heroes and True Blood I have developed a paranoia of my thoughts being heard . Hence, I try to sing a song in my head when I’m out in public and think about nothing else. I don’t want a random person to know I’m actually 6.5 years old inside.

PS: I  also have Truman Show paranoia.

PS: If you want one, contact Rob Alfano (info@blackglassimages.com)